The Lonely First: What No One Tells You About Being the First in Your Friend Group to Have a Baby

No one tells you how strange it is to go from bottomless brunches to bottomless diapers — alone.
Being the first in your friend group to have a baby can feel like walking into a party wearing the wrong costume. You’re still you, but suddenly no one quite gets it. The mental load, the 3am wakeups, the emotional whiplash, the identity shift — it’s massive. And yet... this experience gets almost zero play time.

It’s time we talk about it.

You Don’t Know It’s Happening… Until It Hits You
In the early days, everything feels like a whirlwind. People are excited for you. They send cute onesies and say “I can’t wait to meet them!” But once the baby arrives, things get quiet. Invitations slow down. Friends don’t check in the way they used to. And suddenly, you realize you’ve taken a huge life leap — and the people around you are still mid-sprint in a completely different race.

It’s Not Their Fault… But It Still Hurts
Your friends aren’t bad people. They just don’t get it. They haven’t had to. They don’t know what it feels like to cry over a leaking nipple at 2am while everyone else is posting beach selfies. And that can make you feel invisible in a way that’s hard to explain.

There’s a grief that comes with being first — the grief of losing shared understanding. Of having to constantly choose between explaining yourself or just staying silent.

My Story: How It All Changed So Fast
In 2019, I was living what felt like my best Toronto girl summer — traveling, working at a boutique consulting firm on exciting projects, and soaking up every patio and plan possible. Life felt wide open.

I still remember this one moment like it was yesterday — our annual Christmas reunion at the Anndore House hotel. Alba, Kate, and I were hungover, laughing, and basking in how beautifully everything seemed to be lining up for all of us. I even made a passing comment as we walked out of the hotel: “Hey, have you guys heard what’s going on in China? It’s giving zombie apocalypse vibes…” We giggled and moved on.

Fast forward: I got engaged in February 2020 and jetted off to Costa Rica the next day. When we got back, I announced the engagement, returned to work, caught a cold… and then was sent home as COVID cases surged. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I wouldn’t set foot in that office again for four years.

Everything came to a screeching halt. But in social services — especially as a manager — things didn’t stop, they pivoted. We planned a micro-wedding, partly out of love and partly out of convenience. And then I got pregnant.

Being pregnant during the pandemic was surreal. I was thrilled and terrified — but mostly, I was in this weird, isolated bubble. Aside from my husband and our parents, not a single person saw me pregnant. It was bizarre. I’ve had people say, “It was like you went into the pandemic not married, no kids… and came out a totally different person.”
And honestly? That’s exactly how it felt.

I’m a social person. So not being able to socialize was already rough — but when my son was born, it was like I entered a whole new universe. My girlfriends were thrilled. They called, asked all the right questions… and then the phone calls slowed down. The texts started to feel impossible to reply to — and often trivial. I was just trying to survive. Talks about breakups, weekend plans, career moves, and political rants didn’t just feel out of touch — they made me angry. And jealous.

I had gone from carefree to completely tethered. My whole life was in a tiny apartment, tethered to nap schedules and feeding windows.
(If you want more on that emotional shift — check out my blog post on losing yourself in motherhood [insert link here].)

And when friends begged me to “just come out” or “let your husband watch the baby so you can relax,” I was furious. Not because I didn’t love them — but because they didn’t see me. They didn’t understand how complex it all felt. I loved being a mom. Like, really loved it. But I also didn’t know who I was anymore. I was pulled between wanting to be a stay-at-home mom and also wanting to pursue big dreams. I wanted to bake and play and also build and lead. I didn’t want a “break” — I wanted recognition.

To be completely honest — and they might be reading this now — there was a time I thought, I don’t even know if we can be friends anymore.

The Weird Guilt + Isolation Combo
You love your baby. You love your friends. But sometimes it feels like you don’t belong in either space. You feel guilty for missing your old life, but you also feel alone in this new one. While your friends are debating concert outfits, you’re Googling “What does green baby poop mean??”
You feel miles away — because you are.

What Helped Me Most
If you’re reading this and nodding along, here’s what helped me survive that lonely first:

• Finding community: Other parents who got it — whether through workshops, Facebook groups, or that one mom in the coffee line who just smiled like she knew.

• Letting go of old expectations: I stopped waiting for my friends to say the right thing. Instead, I made space for the ones who showed up in real ways — and gave myself permission to grieve the rest.

• Telling the truth: I stopped pretending. I said things like, “Hey, I love you, but I feel like no one sees me right now.” And to my surprise, it opened space instead of closing doors.

• Rebuilding new layers: Some friendships faded. Some grew. Some stayed soft in the background. All of it was okay.

Final Reflection
If you’re the first in your group to have a baby, I want you to know this:
You’re not too sensitive. You’re not broken. You didn’t “change too much.”
You grew — beautifully, painfully, and powerfully.
It might feel lonely right now, but you are not alone.

So here’s to the ones doing it first.
To the brave, the tired, the wildly loving.
You’re the start of the village.
And we see you. 💛

What to Pack in Your Hospital Bag (Without the Overwhelm)

You've probably seen the viral videos. The overflowing duffel bags. The monogrammed packing cubes. The 17 baby outfits. And let’s be real — it can be a lot.

But here’s the truth: you don’t need to pack your whole house. What you do need? A few intentional, comforting, and practical items that support you and baby through those early hospital hours and days.

We’ve got you. Here’s your stress-free, judgment-free guide to what actually matters when packing your hospital bag.

For You (the birthing person)

Let’s start with you — because your comfort and care matter most.

• ID + Health Card – You’ll need these at check-in.

• Birth Plan (optional) – If you have one, print a few copies.

• Robe or Open-Front Sweater – Something soft, cozy, and easy for skin-to-skin.

• Non-Slip Socks or Slippers – Hospital floors are cold!

• Comfy Postpartum Undies – The mesh ones are fine… but you might want your own.

• Pads (or Adult Diapers) – The hospital usually provides some, but having your preferred brand helps.

• Toiletries – Think toothbrush, dry shampoo, face wipes, lip balm, hair tie.

• Snacks + Water Bottle – Labour is work. Fuel is key.

• Phone Charger (extra long cord!) – Outlets are rarely bedside.

• Optional: Your own pillow, a calming playlist, or aromatherapy – Comfort is sacred.

For Baby

This part is so tempting to overpack. Remember: they’ll mostly be skin-to-skin, swaddled, and snuggling.

• 2–3 sleepers (newborn + 0-3m sizes) – In case baby is smaller/larger than expected

• A going-home outfit – Optional, but can be sweet for photos

• Hat + mitts – Hospitals often provide a hat, but bring your own if you'd like

• Blanket – For warmth in the car seat, not in the crib

• Diapers + wipes? – The hospital should supply these, but check in advance

• Car seat (installed) – Can’t leave without it!

For Your Support Person

If your partner or support person is staying with you, they’ll need a mini bag too:

• Change of clothes

• Snacks + drinks

• Phone charger

• Cash or coins for vending

• Headphones or book – There can be a lot of waiting

• Patience + presence – Their vibe matters more than their stuff

Tips to Keep It Simple

• Pack two bags: One for labour/delivery, one for postpartum. Leave the second in the car and grab it when needed.

• Don’t stress about being “ready”: Babies come on their own timeline. Your peace is more important than perfection.

• Add a list on top: Things to grab last-minute (like your phone or charger) so nothing’s forgotten.

A Gentle Reminder

No bag can fully prepare you for what birth will feel like. And that’s okay. What you bring with you — your strength, your heart, your community — matters more than any perfectly packed pouch.

You are not underprepared. You are already doing beautifully.

Want a Downloadable Checklist?

We created a Simple Smyles Hospital Bag Checklist to make this even easier.
Pop over to our Instagram or grab it inside The Journey workshop materials!

Let’s Chat!

What’s one “must-pack” item someone recommended to you? Drop it in the comments or DM us on IG! We’d love to hear what made you feel most supported.